To the “Gentlemen” of the press.
Sir Alan B’Stard, as we’re sure you remember, met his untimely end in 2014, in a skydiving orgy disaster that the world’s media were bribed not to report. Today, the nation aches for a man of Sir Alan’s intellect, resourcefulness and devious cunning, to lead us through the morass of Brexit, Trumpery, and smart fridges that order hundreds of cartons of yoghurt while you’re asleep.
But all is not lost. Everybody knows that Sir Alan was driven by his gargantuan libido; he was proud of his excessive sex drive and of his ability to reach orgasm inside ten seconds. But we only learned recently that he was a frequent and enthusiastic sperm donor from the age of 12, when we were contacted by the man claiming to be his rightful heir.
As the executors of Sir Alan B’Stard’s legacy, we took it upon ourselves to interview the claimant, Arron Conway, an apparently mild-mannered individual and the adopted son of two Green Party activists in Welwyn Garden City. Arron is the operations manager of a medium-sized IT company, and he looks nothing like his father, though he boasts of the same hair-trigger penis, which he offered to demonstrate to our researcher, Carla. She demurred.
As Arron told his tale we realised with mounting excitement that we were once again in the presence of greatness. He always knew he was adopted, not least because his father was black. But when Arron turned 40, he was overcome with a sense of life’s futility and decided to use his IT skills to track down his biological father. It didn’t take him long to realise he was Sir Alan’s first-born son. Now everything fell into place. This was why he felt so superior to everyone he met. This was why his dreams were so vivid and ambitious. This was why he suffered from premature ejaculation.
In the few years since he decided to follow in his father’s footsteps, Arron B’Stard, as we must now think of him, has quietly been building an international business and media empire. You’ve heard of Gabfest, the world’s biggest social website; it belongs to Arron. Wakileaks; HowlerMonkey; Flashermac; Kim Jong Un; all controlled by Arron.
But now Arron B’Stard has decided to take his rightful place on the world stage. From now on he will operate in full view, and he has asked us – Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran – to present his schemes and adventures to the public. To be honest, we don’t really want to, but we are terrified to turn him down.
Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran
So will you be watching it when it’s released?